"" i guess nothing could last forever... ""

man alive.
what a week.

i don't like to throw pity parties for myself but if i did i'd sure be throwing one today!

ever have one of those days or weeks where its just like everything is on you at once? and people just keep picking at you and you just keep getting grouchier about it all?

thats me.

i'm trying really hard to try to be more positive and to do things that help with stress... really i am. but its just not working. not this week.




so here's to, hopefully, getting a green beer tonight. to tomorrow being Friday. and to a better weekend than the last.

"" and we can have forever.... and we can love forever....""

well... i'm awake.

i haven't had much to write since NCYC... because most of it has been disappointing.

the Breaking Benjamin concert that was on the 8th was the one thing i've been totally pumped about for months! and of course... thats the night that we got crazy wind and snow. so needless to say, for our own safety, we didnt drive to DM. however, they had the concert anyways. so, we're out $100 and did not get to go see Breaking Benjamin. Lazer said they didnt cancel because of the band's tour and things.... i understand that... but, i also dont. i wont start cause it'll be a rant. Lazer is putting together something for those of us who have unused tickets in the next couple weeks. i dont know what it'll be, and i hope we arent busy that night... but i am glad that they realized they should do something for the people who couldnt make it. it wont be the same as BB in concert... but at least we'll get something for our money.

**a few days later**
yeah, its taken me multiple days to write one post.... i heard about the Lazer "special thing" for those of us that still have unused BB tix. the Hairball is coming to DM soon, which is a complilation of 80s rockbands. if we go TO the Lazer studio during business hours and present our BB tix we can BUY tickets for the Hairball for $10 instead of $10(normal price).
now i want to say that i didnt expect a full refund or anything.. but i did expect something along the same lines as Breaking Benjamin. if you've ever heard BB you know that they are not even close to 80s rock. and also, while i am a girl who listens to KGGO(Classic Rock that Rocks) i do NOT want to end up spending $120 (BB tix + discount hairball tix) to go see some group of knock off 80s rockers...... so while the DJ "really really thinks this is a great deal!" i will have to dis-agree.
i was quite upset and said some choice words to the radio when i heard this. so, my glimmer of hope is out and i'm back to sad that i missed one of my favorite bands and am out $100......

















after all of that........

the week of Christmas has begun. we always have troubles around these holidays trying to visit all of our family in the alotted week. Matt and i always fight-i wont deny it. and it really makes the season un-enjoyable.

we did go to my Grandma Croghans Saturday/Sunday for Christmas. i was really looking forward to this trip because i'd missed out on Thanksgiving there this year. most of my family was there, crammed into Grandma's kitchen/living room. it never used to be a problem until all the boys in our family started growing to 6 feet tall!! it was chaos!! but it was exactly how i've always remembered it, so it was perfect. i got to visit with my Grandma and aunts and uncles. we talked about everything from kids tv shows to politics to how to save the world from global warming! :) we're diverse!! hehe!

Sunday afternoon we packed up again and headed home. we were at our house for exactly 15 minutes and then headed off to Pella to Matts Grandparents. we had dinner and more family time there. Grandma Darlene always makes 3 or 4 great soups!

we got home just in time for Ethan to head to bed. and after 3 meltdowns and about 10 minutes of crying, he was alseep! needless to say, this week has only just begun.


today i have to go finish my Christmas shopping/wrapping. yes, i said finish! i'm late and i know it!

other than the Christmas rush and the disappointing concert... work has been good. we've been quite busy this month. we always set our cut-off for Christmas orders at December 4th. of course we always always get people calling a week later that just HAVE to have their stuff by Christmas. luckily our lab is quick like a cat this time of year, so as of last Thursday my order bin was EMPTY!!! its a good feeling to look over and see nothing pressing that i have to finish! now my biggest problem is all the wedding albums i have to create... i dont think it'll be too bad... i just have to sit down and do it! i'm planning to bring a few of them home on my laptop and hopefully knock them out in a night or two!

i guess i should start my day. i have alot planned and better just get it all started. then maybe this afternoon i can take a nap!! :)

sometimes.....

doing: trying to work. its harder today....
listening to: nothing. awesome nothingness!

i don't have anything real to write about, except to reiterate the fact that i'm tired. my two weeks of GOGOGO are finally coming to an end. on Sunday i plan to do NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING!!! i dont want to get up until i feel like it, i dont want to go anywhere unless i feel like it. i want to eat oreos all day and sit in my jammies UNTIL I FEEL LIKE IT!!!

i'm close to my breaking point.... of my life. sometimes it just seems like everything around me is pushing in my walls. i just want to scream for everyone and everything to leave me the hell alone! i just want 1 day for me! of course thats a metaphor and i cant really do that....

i'm glad that i dye my hair now... and that i'm naturally a blond--sorta--color. because if my hair was actually as dark as i have it now i'd have grays everywhere. i still dont have that balance in my life i've been searching so hard for. in the last year i do have to say its gotten a bit easier to juggle everything.... of course then i decided to take on another job! i need to break down and start liking to run (but i just hate it so much!) i feel like my biggest stress reliever should be exercise. a walk now and then is nice, but sometimes i just need to GO! i want so badly to swim! thats the one thing i can do and push myself and it doesnt feel as much like work! bbuutt the rec center like to fuck me over and its never open when i need it to be.... or the pool is open for little kids to jump off the board... i can't swim laps in that. i need to, again, break down and just start getting my ass up at 5:30 and going to swim! just do it--right?! i need to i really do....


my horoscope for today said 'just remember time is on your side'. as much as id like to think that the California Psycic on my Google homepage is correct... i'm calling bull-shit. cause i know thats not the case.

well, i need to get stuff here done today.....
have a good weekend everyone!
oh,... and GO HAWKS!!

" shadows cast a lie..."

doing: again, a break from work overload. i'm trying so hard to get caught up with stuff, but sometimes my brain is just like "SCREW THIS! do something else!"
i have albums and order O-MY! and i would really just like to sit here and stare at everything.... until it goes away. sadly, i know that won't happen.. so i have to keep working on it!



i'm tired. plain and simple. i'm tired! i'm tired of so many things and for so many reasons that it all seems to jumble together and form one giant lump. from that i can't pick out what is actually important and whats just crap floating around in my head.

i'm going on about a week now of straight GOGOGO, and its not over yet. between the church and photography i didnt have a chance to breathe for about 4 days. i think that monday is finally my relax day, i'll get a massage at least!

i keep telling myself i just need a day off. but i can't find a chance to take one. its pretty annoying actually.

this past weekend did turn up a good thing. Matts dad promised to help us out a bit with the house and offered to pay for things to re-roof the place! we can't do it all in one shot (bad and good), because Papa Russell isn't made of gold. but Matt, and the guys, did get the first 1/4 of it done! that was really the worst section, so at least it looks better from afar! his dad said he'll pry have enough to do the other half of the front in October. hopefully this will help with our house selling. please please please let it help!!

well, i sort of got a second wind. or maybe its because its FINALLY 4 and i get my hhaaiirr cut after work!!! i love hair cuts! wish i could do something different.. but i have too short of hair now.... maybe my hairstylist will suprise me!!

...its been a long time coming....

for those of you who didn't know, my Grandpa passed away this past week. he's been ill for awhile now, and just recently really went downhill. its been a long week for my family-and on top of the month of moving into the new studio that i've just had-its been an all around long month and a half for me.

it was, as it always is, to let him go. i don't feel like i've had near enough time with him-even though its been 26 years! and Ethan only got to know him just a little bit! yesterday was the funeral and that was the hardest part. knowing that its finally over and we finally have to say goodbye for the very last time. on top of my feelings for it it was 100 times harder for my mom. and seeing my mom in that much pain made me hurt that much more.


this is a poem that is perfect for my Grandpa.


God saw he was getting tired
And a cure was not to be,
So He put His arms around him
And whispered, "Come with Me"

With tearful eyes we watched him suffer
And saw him fade away,
Although we loved him dearly
We could not make him stay.

A golden heart stopped beating
Hard working hands to rest,
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best.

" show me what i'm looking for..."

doing: watching A Tigger Movie with Ethan. we came to the rents house to steal some internet.... and pay bills... with our tax money... (it keeps getting sadder)
feeling: pessimistic


this past week has been long, to say the least. convention was great! i wasn't actually dying to come home on monday morning like i usually am! other than being sick all of sunday and hardly eating (i think its the hotel, cause that always happens to me!) it was a really good time!! getting back into work is always hard. especially since i always feel like i have a million things to do.. and they all need to be #1 on my list! plus all that extra stuff that comes about every single morning! *sigh*

then on top of all of that my happy little friend-that visits every month-hasnt made my mood much better. my temper is on a much shorter string... well since i met Matt 10 years ago... but its been much shorter as of lately. i hate that about myself, but sometimes i just can't help it!

anyhow. my pessimism comes from a number of things, but it mostly boils down to money. i've made Matt completley take over the bills. i expect him to let me know when we are down to nothing, so that i dont go and spend money! most of the time he does, and most of the time i ask him before i go get gas or groceries or anything like that. or shoes.. yes i ALWAYS ask before i get shoes!! but its about every 6 months or so we get into a bid and we have NO money for about a month. i dont understand it. because half the time we dont have anything unexpected come up! so january was the month we had nothing.. and it just seems like nothing can be done to fix it...... so we just got our tax money friday! all of it! our account is over a thousand! thats awesome... cause it only happens once a year! however..... its all--ALL--going to pay bills. and nothing out of the ordinary, regular bills!!! how the HELL does that happen!??! so.. no savings, no fun shopping, no going out to eat just because, no fixing a car, or getting something that we just want and not need. NOTHING. our bonus for working hard all year is to pay our fucking bills!! what a crock.

now, Matthew, just in case you decide to start reading my blog... i'm not placing blame on anyone. i'm just grouchy that this is how our life is at the moment. its a circle that we can't seem to get out of.

to add to the money thing. Jess and i were going to try to plan a trip AND my girl-friends from college are also planning a trip soon. but i can't because i'm broke. i want to go on a vacation this year, just me and Matt and Ethan, but its not looking good cause we're broke.

its like i have NOTHING to look forward to. nothing. seriously. i laid in bed this morning and tried so hard to think of something that i could be excited about... and there isn't anything.


i'll be done bumming everyone out now. i know it'll get better, i do. its just a rut that i feel like we've been in for way too long now. its getting old.