"" healing rain, is coming down...""

i just read this poem on one of my baby forums and wanted to share it. its beautiful, and for anyone who had sadly been through a miscarriage it really speaks to the heart! and for those who haven't its still lovely and will fill your heart with love for your own child!


Angel of my Tears
How do you love a person
who never got to be,
or try to envision a face
you never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one
who never got to live.
When there's nothing to feel good about
and nothing to forgive?
I love you, my little baby,
my companion of the night.
Wandering through my lonely hours,
beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to die before
you ever were born,
to live the lovely night of life
and never see the dawn?
Ah! My little baby,
you lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain.
And then like yours, it's done.
I love you, my little baby,
just as if you'd lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
the Angel of my tears.
~Author Unknown.

"" so happy being me ""

doing: just got to work, so finishing up the usual morning work things.
feeling: ... to put it bluntly - shitty.
listening to: nothing. i haven't decided what music fits my mood just yet.

today we had a fight. not unlike any other one we've had in the past. but a fight none the less. and really, no body likes to fight. our fights are about normal things, usually money. but not this time. looking back it seems silly. its something that should just come naturally, but somehow we've lost sight of how to get ourselves back to that. i've vented and i've cried and now i guess i just need to start doing. take some sort of action that will make me feel like this will all work out. i dont want us to be miserable forever!


on top of thinking about the fight we had i was told to think about what makes me happy. i can't think of 5 things off the top of my head. sure, my family-friends-ect hit the list. but what about little things? its the little things in life right? so why can't i come up with little things right away?!

so i'm going to. it will take me longer than 10 minutes for this list, but i want a list.

this is a list of little things that make me happy:
(in no particular order)

*the smell of fresh cut grass
*a light snow, the kind that sticks to the trees and makes everything white
*music - the right song at just the right time to match exactly how i'm feeling
*road trips - going somewhere, or nowhere, with people that you can just laugh with
*concerts
*singing extra loud to your favorite song when you know no one is listening. OR singing extra loud with a friend that doesn't care how crappy your voice is!
*editing pictures and finding that ONE that you just KNEW you'd captured and that your client will absolutely love
*taking pictures
*taking pictures for me. of something random that just sparks my interest
*weddings - seeing that small moment between the bride and groom that tells you how truly in love they really are
*my tv shows on hulu.com
*ice cold lemonade on a hot hot day
*the acoustic guitar-especially when my friends play
*chex mix
*my moms zucchini bread
*finding a perfect pair of shoes, even if its only online shopping and they are WAY too expensive
*Lego video games-playing for hours!
*daisys and lilies
*seeing my garden grow. actually seeing proof that i didn't kill everything i planted!
*cookie dough
*my heated blanket


okay, it wasn't as hard as i thought it would be!

""and we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet, for auld lang syne...""

doing: just got up. sadly my child doesn't know the meaning of sleeping in.
listening to: Ethan watching Toy Story. "somebody's poisoned the water hole!"
feeling: less than good but i think i'll be okay.

well its a new year. finally! 2011. a fresh start, a new beginning. i'm ready for it. 2010 basically sucked all around. sure there were some good parts, some memories i'll carry with me. but overall it was a crappy year and i am so ready to be done with it!

i don't make new years resolutions anymore, mostly because i never have good ones, and i can't ever keep them. but this year i'm doing the working out/getting in shape thing - so cliche i know. with some of my Christmas bonus from work i went and bought a pass to the rec center, i'll start on monday. i want to swim! i feel like i can only get a really good workout when i swim. but they also have the elliptical machine that i like to use, especially when i only have 10 or 20 minutes free. but swimming, i'm really going to make myself get up in the moring and go. and hopefully, soon, i'll be in good enough shape to get a really decent workout in!

my second "goal" is to have a baby. i know you can't just make youself get up and do that... not like working out. but it is a goal for me, for us, that we want this year. in order to do that we are going to take good care of ourselves. i want us to eat just a little better, take vitamins, workout, basically get our bodies ready - and the added bonus is we'll be healthier!

this isn't a new years goal, its just one of me and matt's that we have ongoing. we got a little extra money from our parents for Christmas so we are going to put that towards our house. since this is now going on the third spring we've had our house on the market we basically give up. we decided that we should give in and just start putting some work into the house. this won't only help it sell better later, it will help us out right now. plaster walls? who's bright idea was that?? we basically have zero installation left in them either. Matt says its newspaper and its pry all at the floor by now. so thats our start. in our bedroom we are going to re-do the walls and ceiling and put in installation. a warm house is something we've never had!!



a little backtrack now to Christmas. i think this could possibly be the least stressfull Christmas we've had since having Ethan. i feel like we got our shopping done in a good amount of time, we didn't have too much rushing around. and while there was still some stress, i didn't feel like it was as much.

however, as a 4 year old boy who wants Santa to bring him every single thing under the sun.... going somewhere and NOT having 20 presents to open led to tears beyond measure. Ethan might have had some stress!

Ethan got everything he had asked for though! Matt and i are pretty happy that we decided(at the last minute, literally) to get him a Thomas the Train track set. he can't stop playing with it. he got legos of all kinds, books, colors, movies and more!


tearing into his Thomas the Train Misty Island set!


The Polar Express. He loved the book and watches the movie all the time now!


i LOVE this one! he got Wall-E, which is absolutley loves! he was so happy!


Ethan and his Construction Duplos


Greg and Ben got me sweet necklaces for Christmas (a 'winner' medal and a $ sign) so i shared and we had to get a shot of all of us with them!

besides Ethan, Matt and i also got a lot of things we wanted this year! i got 2 new pairs of shoes, a Kindle, 2 Lego video games and Mom and Dad C got us a trip to the Omaha Zoo!
all in all i think the Russell family made out pretty darn well this Christmas!


i hope you all had a great holiday season and pray that 2011 brings you blessings and joy all year long!