"" just like a tattoo, i'll always have you ""

doing: getting caught up on my shows. right now, The Gates.
feeling: sore but really good!


as you all know i've been pining over my tattoo for months now. and last night was THE night! i was nervous and scared and excited.

Ben came with, he got his first tattoo on his wrist. his name in binary code - which is a combination of 1's and 0's. and while it sounds a little on the nerdy side, if you know Ben you know that it fits him just right! it looks really cool and i think he's really happy with it!

then it was my turn! it took about 3 hours to do what i have done. we didn't leave the tattoo shop until about 10:30. the only reason i didn't want to finish was because i was getting antsy..... and, well, it hurt! now i didn't go into this thinking a rib tattoo wouldn't hurt.. but i don't think i was quite prepared. it hurts. just let me tell you, unless you are really truly set on a rib tattoo then don't do it!! haha! i'm 100% set on mine, otherwise i'd have made him quit after the outline was done!!

either way, i loved it even when he only had the outline done! i'm just in love with this tattoo! it makes it even better that i designed it myself and that it truly means something to me personally! so the coloring and the bottom part of the cross is all done, in about 3 weeks i'll go back and get the rest finished.

"" i didn't know i'd get caught in the middle ""

doing: last minutes of my lunch break and i realized i didn't blog yet.
listening to: Motion City Soundtrack on my Jango - but soon it will be the newest episode of Glee!
feeling: good!

yesterday was our appointment with the specialist. we didn't know what to expect really. the couple that went in before us - honestly looked like they were in high school - but they were only in for maybe 5 minutes. so then we started to think maybe this was just going to be a waste of time...

the doctor was very nice. he had our medical history that he'd looked over before hand, so he didn't have to ask too many questions. he started with telling us what he knew of miscarriages and the reasons for them; misshapen uterus, blood clotting, chromosome abnormality from either the mother or father, and a couple others. after that he told us that by us having a full term and healthy baby already pretty much makes any of those null. and also since our first miscarriage was at 17 weeks and the other 2 were around 8 some things might seem a possibility and some just don't.

if you aren't confused already.... so he said he was going to suggest to our doctor that we do a chromosome test and that i do a blood clotting test. both are simple blood tests so no big deal. he was pretty sure that the blood clot test on me would come back negative - again from having a full term baby already. but if it didn't for some reason, that was a reason for first trimester miscarriages and CAN be treated. as for the chromosome test, if either of us have an abnormality there its not treatable, but the plus side would be that we would know whats causing miscarriages.

he also was going to suggest to our doctor that next time i get pregnant i should take a progesterone pill and a baby aspirin. he said this is what he recommends for his patients and there isn't real proof that it helps 100%, but it doesn't hurt.


so the visit wasn't as much information that we would have liked to get, but it was something and we feel like we can move forward again. he suggested we don't try again for at least 4 months - which we weren't going to anyways. we want to get ourselves back, mind and body, before we start this process again. we want to eat better and work out more and get ourselves a little healthier.

since having another baby is very important to us we want to be sure to do everything we can to make sure the baby starts off on the right foot - from the very first second!


for now though we are taking a break, being young again for a little while. having a couple nights out with friends, and smothering Ethan with more attention than he probably wants!

we are a happy family and we know and count our blessings every day. we know what a gift Ethan is, if not when he was first born than now more than ever. and if God finds it better for us to raise him and our family to just be 3 then we will find a way to open our hearts to that and continue to be the best possible parents to Ethan that we can!

thanks for listening everyone. have a good one!

"" i'm coming to terms, i'm starting to learn... ""

this year has been a long one. we've had our share of ups and downs, but this year seems to be topping them all off.
of course you all know that we miscarried in mid April. this was a heartache for us because we had been trying for quite awhile to get pregnant. but it had happened once before and we knew that last time it all worked out.

in August i found out i was pregnant again. right before our anniversary actually. so our anniversary was a double celebration! i went to the doctor around 5 weeks, scheduled an ultrasound for 8 weeks and we were in business! we were keeping the secret until after our ultrasound. i felt good! i didn't have much morning sickness, just a little nausea now and again.

around Sept 4 i started to get a head cold. i was stuffed up, sinus pressure, the works. it was miserable. since i couldn't take anything i was just doing the best i could. on that next Tuesday i started to spot just a little. i had done that with Ethan, so i wasn't terribly worried. but i called the doctor just in case and he said we'd just wait and see-and if it got worse to call him. Wednesday i just felt awful. i was at work until about 2 and then i went home. i had started to bleed for real, but it wasn't much. i was just miserable with this cold so i went home and slept. that night i had started to bleed more. since i wasn't cramping or anything Matt said just sleep it off and we'll call in the morning. naturally i couldn't sleep at all. so i watched Friends(my comfort show) and fell asleep on the couch. at about 6am i got up to go to the bathroom and found that i had fully miscarried.

i took the day off and scheduled a doctors appointment. Matt came with me, but we didn't get many answers. miscarriage is an iffy thing. unless there is an obvious reason for it there is really no reason for it. our doctor and all the nurses were really nice and very concerned for us. it actually made me realize how much they really do care for their patients. Dr. Fredrickson set us up to see a specialist on the 22nd of this month. he said that hopefully they could look over our history and either request some further testing or give us some sort of information that will help us.

since we've gone through this now twice in 6 months we decided that we are going to take a break. no trying again for a few months, probably until next year. i want time to regroup, to do some partially crazy adult things, and to spend time with Ethan. and to smother him with hugs and kisses!

of course if i had the money i'd just hop a plane and spend a week in the Caribbean. gosh that sounds relaxing!


to end this basically depressing blog. it helps me to write things out. and some people that read this knew what was going on, and some didn't. please don't feel bad that we didn't share our news with you right away. and if you did know before, i'm sorry you had to hear about it ending this way.

to all of our friends and family that have stuck by us, listened to us gripe and complain, cry and feel sorry for ourselves. we thank you. from the bottom of our hearts. its hard to see your friends in pain and even harder to find the right things to say, but you've all done a great job! ;)


on Thursday i'm going to get my second tattoo - to which i'm very excited about! - i created this myself and it truly means something real to me. an expression of myself and of the things i hold dearest to my heart. and not just something i can show, its something i will be able to carry with me always.




a blue flower for my baby boy who brings me more joy than ever! and the yellows are for the babies we've had to say goodbye to even before we got a chance to truly love them. and someday i'll be able to add another pink or blue flower.