.... just shut up and eat the damn lemons!"
feeling: crazy! my brain is working on overdrive today
listening to: nothing.. its too early to relax--also i have no idea what i want to listen to!
a couple things have been the main focus of my brain activity over the last few days: choices is the main one.
Sunday/Monday night i was up about every hour wide awake. and when i'm wide awake my brian kicks into overdrive-which i hate-and for some reason i started to think about choices. everybody has choices every day, from what to eat for lunch to how much do i really really need those $200 shoes. some people get off easy and both of those choices are made in a split second. for some people the choices are harder like, what can we live without foodwise for another week. how soon do i really need to go to the doctor for this cold or how much longer can my kid wear those pants before they are simply rags.
i was thinking about the choices i've made in my life that have brought me to this exact moment. the choice that Matt would be the only man i'd ever need for the rest of my life. this brought me to hearache when we lost our first baby, and then to utter joy when Ethan was born! this brings me headaches when we fight about stupid things, and happiness when he does little things like take out the garbage and thank me for making dinner.
the choice we made to buy a house. not becuase we needed one by any means, but because we felt we were at the point where we really wanted to be "adult" homeowners! this choice brings us to now when we can not sell our house and were just wasting money on something we really dislike living in.
when i think back to all our smaller and bigger choices i really don't think that i would do anything differently. maybe if i'd known that we'd be right here, wanting to grow our family but really not having any room for it, i might have stayed living in an apartment for a couple years. just to get some debt under control and all that good jazz. but then again, at that point we didn't care. we wanted a house and we wanted this house! our original plan was to only stay for a year or two and then look for something else. never happens how you plan it.
so then i look at the people around me and the choices they've made. i wonder if they look back and think- i really wish id done that differently- for the most part i think they'd say no. for some stuff i'm sure it would be different. thought through more or better, but not the original choice that was made.
sometimes the choices you make just get you in a big fat pickle. but theres always another choice that will get you out. we made the choice to get into a debt relief program. we searched and asked some friends and finally found one that is working wonderfully for us! we're going to be 100% free of our credit card debt in, well, now 3 more years! hopefully less. i wish we'd gotten into that way earlier, but better late than never.
other times the choices you make bring you more happieness than you might have thought possible. Ethan is the center of our lives and i don't regret one decision that brough him to us! now we're trying for another one.... (maybe not another one EXACTLY like Ethan.... we might pull our hair out!) but, if we get a carbon copy then we'll be just as happy!!
i think its a natural strive that we all make good choices in our lives. and probably at the time we all think that they are the best possible choice for us. of course nobody is perfect and we all end up thinking -what the F?!- at one point or another! i've had plenty of those, but the good always outweighs the bad!
my choice of the day happened when i was driving to work. i followed a guy into town and his liscense plate said BATSRUS -- Bats R Us -- awesome right!? how this got me to this decision i don't really know. but my next tattoo is going to be the Aerosmith logo on the top of my right foot. yup, have the foot picked out and all! Jeff is still bagging on my wrist tattoo... so i have to pick something else for the time being! i love tattoos.... its an addiction that i'm okay with! just have to save up some cash now! :) woot woot!
now... i must make the choice to work!!
2 comments:
What is life if it's not 80 years of choices we make? I often have the same questions about choices I make. Did I really need a six-figure education that is now costing me $700 in loan payments? Not sure. Should I make the investment in grad school? Can I really get my finger better without paying for therapy? That was one of the easier decisions. We twentysomethings are still figuring so much out in our lives, and in all of our (many) mistakes, we can only hope that we gain the smallest grain of wisdom. I think the choices you're making now are bold, brave, and while not always according to your plan, will work out exactly as they're supposed to in time.
thanks Nate!
i know that once we are all 80something we'll look back on our lives and feel good about it! sure there will still be those "what was i thinking" moments, but those wont compare to the good that we've accomplished!
i hope your finger gets better... and student loans just flat out suck!!
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